Robin Williams – Depression and hope
I don’t usually comment on social media about celebrities who have passed away but I was so sad to hear that the actor Robin Williams died today. The press say that it was suicide and that he had been suffering with severe depression for a number of years. I never knew this.
I will never forget going to see Mrs Doubtfire at the cinema with my mum. I’ve never seen her laugh so much in all my life. Especially the scene where the guy tries to rob Mrs Doubtfire and he shouts in his normal voice “beat it” and then returns back to Mrs Doubtfire’s little Scottish voice and says “broke my bag, the BASTARD”. My mum sounds like Mrs Doubtfire and doesn’t swear so this was most amusing to her. I think she almost wet herself.
I loved Robin Williams as he was the star of my most favourite film ever, Good Will Hunting for which he won an oscar for his role as a psychological therapist.
Good Will Hunting is the film I go to when I’m feeling sad. I watch it after break ups, when I worry about cancer or when my confidence is low. It just makes me feel good. It’s a story about friendship, loss, love and overcoming fear and psychological issues. I feel like I can relate to it on so many levels.
There are so many great scenes but one of my favourite scenes is when Robin Williams character, Sean, is telling Will about how he met his wife. Sean’s wife died of cancer two years previously and Will asks if he wonders what his life would have been like without her and if he had regrets about meeting her because of the pain he feels now she is gone.
He goes on to tell Will how he gave up his tickets to the most important baseball game in his favourite teams history because he saw the woman of his dreams in a bar on the day of the game. He doesn’t regret a thing because he loved her.
I love this scene because he says something I’ve adopted in my own life and I still tell myself on a daily basis.
He says to Will “you’ll go through hard times but they always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to”.
I think about that phrase on a daily basis and I find it gives me hope.
I find it so sad when people take their own lives. I don’t know what Robin Williams was going through but I’m so sad that he gave up hope and felt he couldn’t go on. Sometimes hope is all we have and it can be the difference between life or death. I know what it’s like to not believe that there isn’t anything to look forward to but there really is, you just have to look for it.
If you ever feel like this then please don’t give up. There is always hope. It just likes to elude us for a while but it is there I promise you. Speak to someone about your issues. Sharing really does make a difference. If not with a friend then a helpline. Keep searching for those things that make you happy. I’ve found that writing is one of the most therapeutic things i do nowadays. Sometimes I just write my feelings down and it seems to distance the negative ones from me.
Not long ago I was a negative, sad and worry filled man and thought my future was limited at best and tomorrow I will be giving a presentation at the RSPCA’s Inspiration conference. I couldn’t have dreamt of such a thing a few years ago but maybe I should have.
The photo of the sign was taken on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. It’s so sad that sign even exists but it speaks the truth. There is hope. Hopefully a few people picked up and made the call.
Rest in peace Robin Williams. You will be missed by so many.
“Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”
Andy Dufresne – The Shawshank Redemption
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ITN interview and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Dearest Gang,
This is the link to my TV interview that I did last night:
http://vimeo.com/102239855
I can’t thank ITN news enough for focusing on my experience with Post Traumatic Stress disorder. It sometimes feels like its something that people don’t want to talk about. Mention mental health and some people run a mile. It’s considered taboo but it shouldn’t be. Everyone has their issues and those that say they don’t are unfortunately not being honest.
I maintain that PTSD was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Worse than the chemotherapy and worse than any of the operations I’ve had. When you are gripped with fear and anxiety 24 hours a day, 7 days a week it can feel like there is no escape from what feels like an existence of suffering with no happy future to look forward to.
Please feel free to share this with anyone you know who may be having a bit of a bad time at the moment. Whether it be as a result of serious illness, a break up of a relationship, depression or anxiety. Please tell them that I’ve been through them all and I’ve come through the other side. There is a way through the darkness and there is hope for everyone I promise you. I still have my negative thoughts but I continue to work hard on turning them into positive ones which I’ll continue to do forever more.
Most of all please let them know that they are not alone. To worry after any type of traumatic experience is totally normal. I thought I was losing my mind but it turned out that I’d just had a bit of a scare and it stayed in my thoughts.
I was so nervous when I did this interview I didn’t say what I wanted to but hopefully my point comes across.
Thank you all so much for all your supportive messages. I am so grateful to you all.
X
Time to join the gang
Right gang, the time has come to head off for my weeks volunteering at the Hole in the Wall Gang camp. I can’t imagine a better way to end my United States adventure than to volunteer at the place I came over to raise money for.
I am immensely honoured to have been accepted to volunteer at Hole in the Wall. It looks like the most incredible place and I can fully identify with their ethos of camp being a ‘different kind of healing’. That little boy in the picture would have loved this place when he was unwell. I know he would have also loved a place like this when he was ill as an adult as well! 🙂
I have been told to prepare to dance, sing and meet some incredibly inspiring children and volunteers. I can’t wait!
I just read this passage in the camps handbook and it gave me goosebumps. Paul Newman was a pretty amazing guy to create this wonderful place.
‘Paul Newman’s idea was simple: create a special place where children with cancer and other serious illnesses could simply be kids; where they could ‘raise a little hell’ and experience all the joys that go hand in hand with childhood. The spiritual grounding of this idea was the Hole in the Wall, a safe hideout where these brave children could go find friendship and community when they needed it most. A summer camp, Mr Newman believed, could be that place of refuge and so began his quest to deliver “a different kind of healing”. It would be a camp where, on any given a day, a child could look around and see more than 100 other children facing familiar fears and meeting similar challenges head on’.
Love it! See you in a week!
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Lynette and Robert from 52 Lives
Those who have followed my adventure for a while will remember a young Australian girl called Claire who sadly passed away earlier this year.
Claire’s mum Lynette had been introduced to my story via the wonderful charity ’52 lives’. Claire was the very first life that 52 Lives was able to help.
On Wednesday afternoon I had the privilege of meeting Lynette and her husband Robert in person.
Lynette would often write and tell me that my story gave her and Robert hope that Claire would survive and do all the things I was doing. She would tell Claire what I was up to and show her my pictures.
I was devastated when I learned that Claire had passed away. She died on the same day I got my 3.5 year all clear and even though I’d never met her I felt absolutely devastated.
I’d only ever chatted with Lynette via email and her words were always so positive and inspiring. It’s so lovely when you meet someone you admire and they live up to everything you hoped they would
Despite the sad circumstances which led us to meet I absolutely loved spending time with Lynette and Robert. We went to a bar in Grand Central station and in between the tears there were also many laughs. They are such positive caring people who are dealing with every parents nightmare as best as they can. This trip away is a much needed distraction for them and their son Liam.
Lynette and Robert said that my story had given their family hope that Claire would get better. They never believed she was going to die and because of that Claire didn’t live her final months in fear.
For me fear is the worst thing in the world. It wasn’t cancer that nearly ruined my life, it was the fear of suffering that was worse than anything I had ever experienced. I am so glad Claire didn’t have to experience that fear and it’s because of her strong amazing parents that she lived her life feeling safe, happy and surrounded by her strong supportive family.
Lynette and Robert, I feel very honoured to have met you yesterday. You are such strong people. I’ll see you again when I get to OZ but until then please know I will always be here for you and your family.
X
Father’s Day
Last Sunday was Father’s Day in the UK. This post is dedicated to all of those who have lost their fathers far too early in life. It is also dedicated to my wonderful Dad.
When special days like Father’s Day and Mother’s Day come along I am reminded just how lucky I am to still have both my parents in my life.
I have many friends and who have lost parents to either cancer or other forms of ill health. I know from your emails that many of you have as well. I often wonder what it must feel like for those who have lost a parent to see Facebook swamped with posts and pictures of people with their Dad on Father’s Day. I can imagine it must be really difficult but hopefully it also brings back fond memories of the time they shared with their Dad and also shows how grateful other people are to still have their dads in their lives.
This is a picture of me and my big bro with our wonderful Dad, Alan.
My dad is the most amazing and loving man I know. My big brother is my inspiration for travel and adventure and my Dad is where I inherited my ethic for hard work, how to treat others and that family is indeed the best thing in the world.
I also (unfortunately) inherited his sense of humour. When you meet him at our Hot Chocolate gathering on Richmond hill next year ask him to tell you joke about ‘the guy with the speech impediment who goes for the job on the radio’. So bad it’s hilarious!
Since I started writing my book I’ve given a lot of thought to how my illness’ affected my family.
When I was ill as child my mum gave up work so she was with me a lot of the time. I’ve often wondered what it was like for my dad having to go into work each day knowing his son was so ill. How did he cope and what did he think? I don’t think I’ve ever asked him these questions. I will never forget his face when he walked into the intensive care unit after my operation in 2010 and saw me lying there in pain with all the tubes coming out of me. He looked so upset and I know he was doing his best not to show how scared he was.
My dad has worked in a full time job since he was 15 years old and like many people of his generation a steady job is one of the most important things you can have in life. When I told him I was going to leave my job and go travelling he thought it was bad idea and didn’t approve.
When planning 101 things I wrote out type of business plan with all my aims and objectives on it and why I was doing it. The main reason I wanted to travel was to find my happiness again. I had tried all sorts of therapy but nothing could snap me out of the world of fear and anxiety I had created for myself. I wrote down everything I was feeling and the worries I had for the limited future I saw for myself.
My mum had told me how dad had been worrying about the fact I was about to give up my job so she suggested I send him my business plan. So one night I sent it to him and in the morning I woke up to find an email from my dad saying that he now understood and how proud he was of me. Mum told me he had cried when he read it. I’m not sure he really knew the extent of what I was going through before reading that. I wanted his blessing so much and I think it was when I got his email that I really started working hard to make this trip happen. He’s the smartest person I know so I knew if Dad believed in me then everything would be ok….and it was.
So Dad, this message is for you. You’ve always been there for me and I’m so grateful you still are. If I’m half as wonderful a dad as you are then my kids will be the luckiest children in the world.
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The persuit of happiness
As those of you who have read my website or have joined me on my adventure over the past year will know I wasn’t a very happy chappy a couple of years ago.
Gripped by thought of cancer returning (or never actually leaving), suffering from insomnia and caked in eczema I felt like the world was falling down around me. The limited future I saw for myself was ridden with illness and suffering. After months of therapy, anti depressants and eventually the break up of my relationship I knew the time had come for drastic measures. I could either change my life or live in a world of fear for the rest of whatever life I chose to give myself.
It was then that 101 Things to Do When You Survive was born. I made a list of cool stuff I always wanted to see and do and as I planned my trip I started to feel better. I slept, my skin cleared up and I found my smile. I was back to being Greig before I even left on my pursuit of happiness.
The thing is, travelling for such a long time is not really my thing. I love seeing all these wonderful things but I find when I get there the thing I enjoy the most is wondering what you guys will think when you see my pictures or watch my videos. How will it make you feel and most of all will you imagine yourself doing it in the ‘future’.
Without you guys my trip would have ended about 6 months ago. I’m a homebody at heart, I like routine, believe it or not I’m an introvert and I love being around my family.
When I was riding this weekend, tired and in pain I thought about people experiencing illness seeing what I’d done and then believing they could do it too. That’s what kept me going, especially on the Saturday when I rode 86 miles over a long 10hrs 30mins. That’s why I had to finish, so I could show others that there is life after cancer.
People came up to me afterwards and told me how I’d inspired them by what I’d done. Some people who had never done the ride said they would have a go at the ride next year after seeing me do it. That was the best feeling of all because they saw a normal guy who on paper sounds like a medical nightmare do something extraordinary and then they believed they could do it too. Its the best feeling.
We are all searching for things that make us happy. I thought seeing the world would make me happy but it turns out that happiness for me is actually helping and inspiring others. This is what gives me that little excited butterfly feeling in my stomach. I didn’t experience that feeling for a long time. I missed that feeling very much and I’m so grateful to have found it again.
That same guy who was once gripped by fear and sadness only 2 years ago has just been voted on to a ‘Happy List‘.
This is a list complied by the Independent on Sunday newspaper. A list made up of 100 people in the UK who ‘make life better for others’. Founded as an antidote to all those rich lists and celebrity lists, it celebrates a different set of values, embracing those who start charities, help troubled youngsters, give huge amounts of time to volunteering and raising money, foster children, care for wildlife, and much more.
I don’t often share any press on here but apart from feeling completely honoured, I wanted to use this to illustrate that there is a way out of a world of anxiety and depression. And please believe me when I say you don’t need to travel the world to do this.
I can’t emphasise enough that I am just a normal person who is not special in the slightest. If I can get through these physical and psychological battles then you can too. Just keep searching, keep fighting and in every sense of the term, never stop trying to get better.
Thank you so much to everyone who voted me onto this list alongside all these amazing people. I’m feeling ridiculously honoured and happy at this very moment which is the only moment that matters.
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Link to article
Don’t waste a second
Today, teenager Stephen Sutton died after his fight with cancer.
For those of you who haven’t heard of Stephen, he was a 19 year old who was diagnosed with incurable colorectal cancer at the young age of 15. He went on create a bucket list of 46 things where one of them was to raise a million pounds for the Teenage Cancer Trust. He ended up raising more than £3.5m!
Stephen used every last second of his young life to promote a message of positivity and to encourage others not to waste a second of their life. He inspired the world and showed others that a life isn’t judged by the number of years you live but what you do with the time you have been given.
Like many others I have also learned from my experiences with cancer that tomorrow is never guaranteed.
I remember saving my money and annual leave to visit New Zealand in 2010 but was then diagnosed with bowel cancer. I had wanted to visit New Zealand for so many years but kept on saying maybe next year…maybe next year. I won’t make that mistake again.
Since starting 101 Things I receive messages from many people who are ill with cancer. Recently two young children that followed me on Facebook have passed away. My good friend Alana (Seb’s mum) was in a terrible car accident recently which has rocked her family. She is slowly making a good recovery. The people I am staying with in Connecticut lost their son in a car accident very recently and have spoken with me about their loss and the sad fact that for many life can be very short. My heart breaks for these people and their families.
People say how lucky I am to be able to do this trip. Believe me I know how lucky I am but not for the reasons many people infer. Money has always been the big talking point of my trip. As you know, I received a bit of negativity to the fact I was able to afford to go on a trip around the world with people saying that I ‘had no idea what it was like for real families with cancer’. I was £2000 in debt when I decided to do this trip, single and on the verge of a breakdown.
I made this trip happen, I saved for this trip, I had amazing friends that fund raised for me and I approached the sponsors to ask if they wanted to be involved. I did this. The only reason I consider myself lucky is because I was given a third chance at life to be able to do this. I was given my health back and even that I fought hard for. My mind and worries tried to ruin me but I kept trying things to make it better.
Many people wait around for life to change for them and for happiness to come and find them. This tends to only happen in the movies.
Get out there and search for that happiness. It’s out there, it just needs to be found.
My reason for telling you this is that it took two bouts of cancer to help me realise that life doesn’t begin tomorrow and it certainly didn’t begin yesterday. Life is happening right now. Do the things that make you happy because what I’ve learned is that you can’t make others happy unless you are happy too. If you have your health then exploit it for all it’s worth. Get out there and meet the love of your life, see the things you want to see and live the life you dream of.
Stephen knew he was going to die and in the end he lived more than anyone I’ve ever heard of. He inspired the world with his positivity, he raised a lot of money for an amazing cause and he confirmed what I’ve only realised to be true over the last 3 and 1/2 years which is that life is short and this is our only shot at it so use every second for all it’s worth.
Lots of love and well wishes to Stephen’s family and a huge thank you to Stephen for being the inspirational person he was and for sharing his positivity and message with the world.
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Is cancer the best thing ever to happen to me?
The psychological effects of cancer
I read a lot of books about cancer survivors doing amazingly positive things when I was ill and when I was better I hated myself for feeling the way I did. Why didn’t I feel the same way that these other survivors felt and why was I so worried all the time. It turned out these were all entirely normal feelings and I wasn’t going crazy after all.
As many of you will know I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) after my second bout with cancer. This was without doubt the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life and my main reason for sharing my story. PTSD was far worse than the cancer itself. When I was ill I always believed I would get better but when I was better I didn’t believe that I was. As a result I was gripped by the thought of cancer returning, I suffered from severe anxiety, insomnia, night sweats and skin problems. I stopped being myself, I didn’t want to go out, my relationship with my girlfriend ended and I saw no future for myself.
I tried all sorts of therapy and even resorted to taking anti depressants. I knew I had to do something because I felt like I was going crazy. The thing that got me through this horrific period of my life was planning this trip and having something to look forward to.
I recently did an interview for a New York Times journalist called Jim Rendon who is writing a book on something called ‘Post traumatic growth’ whereby researchers have found that as many as half of the survivors of life-threatening traumatic events report positive changes in their lives as a result. It was a really fascinating interview and ever since I received his fist email I haven’t been able to stop thinking about some of the things he said.
I’ve often say that I ‘cured’ myself of PTSD by having this trip to look forward to. After reading this email it really got me thinking about whether or not I am indeed ‘cured’ of PTSD and if I am truly happy.
There was something that Jim said that I really identified with. He said that:
“For many, post traumatic growth can be more wisdom than happiness and for some can lead to entirely new life pursuits”
It made me realise that I am a lot wiser and I have changed my life for the positive but I am certainly not happier than I was before I got ill again. I am more grateful, yes, and I appreciate things far more because of what I have been through but I still find myself worrying a lot. Long bus rides and periods on my own give me a long time to get lost in my own thoughts.
The good thing is I can always bring myself round to happy thoughts now which is what I couldn’t do before. Sometimes I get a pain in my stomach which is food passing over the scar tissue in my bowel and straight away I think ‘what’s that?’ I then calm myself down and go through all the other possibilities it could be and then I think about all I have achieved lately:- Climbing volcanoes, trekking over mountains and waking up in the morning and feeling good.
Cancer is not the best thing ever to happen to me. I will never say this. I am more grateful than you will ever know but the scars of my memories will always be with me and for those I offer no thanks or gratitude to cancer. I’d rather wake up in the morning and have something else as my first thought of the day.
My reason for sharing this with you is to tell you that it’s ok to feel like this. You are not going crazy and you are not being negative. You’ve had a scare and sometimes it takes a long time or some kind of big change to help you get over that.
My advice to you is to do things that make you happy. Don’t be afraid of experiencing happiness. We are not put on this planet to have a horrible time but many people do and it’s very sad. I believe the meaning of life is ‘joy’. Joy of doing things you love and joy in helping others. Enjoy every second of the time you have and use every second for all it’s worth.
Thank you to my friend Kiki for taking this picture. We were in Ecuador at the time and I remember being lost in a world of good thoughts looking at the incredible Quilatoa crater thinking about how beautiful the world is. I usually have to ask people to take pictures of me so in most pics I am posing for the camera but this is one of the few natural pics where I am just sitting and taking it all in.
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An amazing story of an amazing person
I’ve just read this story of an amazing 19 year old called Stephen who was diagnosed with incurable colorectal cancer at the age of 15. Last year he was told that it was inoperable prompting him to write a bucket list of 46 things.
One of the things on his list was to raise a million pounds for the Teenage Cancer Trust and today he achieved it! Absolutely amazing!
I think this emotional goodbye sums up what an inspirational and courageous man Stephen is. He will forever be remembered as a true warrior and an example of everything that is good in this world.
You’ve inspired so many people Stephen.
Thoughts and love to you are and your family. X
Sponsor Stephen
You can sponsor Stephen at: https://www.justgiving.com/stephen-sutton-TCT/
Stephen’s Farewell
It’s a final thumbs up from me! I’ve done well to blag things as well as I have up till now, but unfortunately I think this is just one hurdle too far.
It’s a shame the end has come so suddenly- there’s so many people I haven’t got round to properly thank or say goodbye too. Apologies for that.
There was also so many exciting projects and things I didn’t get to see out. Hopefully some will continue and if you want to carry on the fundraising please do (justgiving.com/stephen-sutton-TCT
is the link to donate to).All future updates on this page will probably be from a family member. I hopefully may have the energy to write a few tweets (@_StephensStory). I will continue fighting for as long as I can, and whatever happens next I want you all to know I am currently in a good place mentally and at ease with the situation.
That’s it from me. But life has been good. Very good.
Thank you to my mum and the rest of my family for everything. Thank you to my friends for being amazing. Thank you to my medical team for the hard work and effort they’ve continually they’ve put towards me. And thank you everyone else for sharing this wonderful journey with me.
I love you all x